So here I am, back on the hard floor where I used to sit before everything started… Everything being the 10 months in Spain, studying and teaching.
Life is back almost exactly where it was before I left the country. I am undergoing the illusion that what happened in Spain was almost a dream. The people that I met were just mirages that don´t exist now that they are out of sight.
But I´ve managed to keep in contact one person in particular against all the odds…one that I should never have in the first place. Deep down, I knew I was expecting more. Even deeper down, I know I was expecting more from someone who cannot give. If he does, it means that he has another girl´s heart to break.
But things between them didn´t work out and I was the first he reached out to… Only for me to find out – on my own – that they were back together again.
So imagine how I would have felt. Ashamed for lowering my standards of morals and values. Embarrassed for being taken as a second draft. Such a lose-lose situation regardless of whether I get to have him or not.
I´ve done everything right in life. Educated, polite, hard-working, open-minded… And yet there has been no luck in my love life. None. At all.
As much as I hate the society for imposing the need to be in a relationship, I could not help but wonder why I have yet to have a boyfriend…. It seems like having one would be validating for my attractiveness and character. Acknowledging that makes me hate myself even more. Who the fuck needs validation from some man? Get your shit together.
Which brought me here for the challenge from the book Self-Love: the 21-Day Challenge by Ingrid Lindberg…
The first challenge is to answer whether or not I love myself…
The answer is:
Sure, I have some positive aspects. I´m pretty good-looking with a voluptuous and just-right slightly toned body. I have a master´s degree from Spain and my work ethics brought me here. I love my roots, coming from a economically-challenged household from a third-world country. I love my values and determination, as well as the acceptance that I am unique but not better than anyone with less education, money, and good looks, among other things. However, I hate that I try to please people too much and the amount of love, care, and attention is never reciprocated. Despite being busy as fuck during grad school, I still made room to see someone -only to stood around for 30 minutes for a date that never happened. I hate myself for still speaking with him after that but never addressing the fact that he was a no-show. I hate myself for still wanting to see him after knowing I was lied to, that he was not in a committed relationship. I hate myself for looking forward to seeing him again. I hate myself that I kept another guy around pretending it was a platonic interest and getting rejected and neglected again. Second blow and I would still do everything to keep them both in my life. I hate that all of this shit happened in the past few months and it made me question whether I was a good person with high moral values that I thought I was. What I hate the most is that I am so clouded to even know how to fix this problem and know what my next move should be- or if I should even make a move at all.
Uff. That was rough.
Day 1 ended with the author saying that most people would not answer with a straight ¨Yes.¨
And shit, she´s so right.
I´m looking forward to the next challenge.