It´s freezing. I´m in my room. And it´s freezing.

The helicopter is buzzing outside. I´m not sure if it belongs to a television station or the police. Either way, I don´t feel like witnessing it. Recent threats and attacks that have been happening in Europe prove too much for my mind to bare. I hope everything will go smoothly tonight, even though I could already imagine waking up to spine-chilling headlines. Hopefully, I will be wrong and it´s only an echo of a firework and not you-know-what.

Tomorrow I have a day off from teaching a private lesson. I´m still not sure what to do yet. Most stores and restaurants will probably be closed, but who knows.

Earlier today I received some unpleasant Whatsapp messages from a relative that made me want to throw my phone away or have someone cleanse it. Never want to talk to her again. I´ve traded so much effort and time for a dream, to be where I am, and yet that doesn´t matter to her at all and she has the nerve to tell me how to live my life. She was not there when I went to classes in languages she doesn´t even understand nor has a will to do so, THEN went to work and stood 8-12 hours a day, and went home to do homework and study. Never partied, never drank, never touched a boy (well, minus my first time visiting Spain last summer). Focused, tired, used, ignored. What the hell does she know, that (inserted and erased some unpleasant name-calling that she very much deserves).

As a child, you would look up to your family members, and sometimes even idolize them, all the while that they stand behind you and be your ultimate support system. But as you mature, you realize that they are human beings with flaws and selfish agendas. At that moment, you feel like your world has turned upside down and you are not sure of anything anymore. That was me some months ago, crying at the realization.

All my life, I´ve been doing everything ¨right¨ according to them, anything to make them happy and proud. And when I was ridiculed somehow -when I have not even strayed off of the track, I felt betrayed. And this is when I decided that my happiness simply can´t depend on any other person. No one.

Let´s come back to the bright side.

45 minutes til the New Year. Looking forward to my first trip of the year tomorrow.

~Brisa

 

 

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