So, I am a ¨sales associate¨. The term is not be confused with ¨cashier¨, ¨customer service assistant¨, ¨merchandiser¨, and ¨janitor¨, because it encompasses all of these bullsh!t. While we’re at it, I should add ¨psychologist¨, ¨personal stylist¨, ¨phone operator¨, and part-time ¨babysitter¨ to the list as well.
It’s been two (too) long years having this title, and it’s time to give it up. While this has been the most literally HUMBLING experience, I cannot wait to get the hell out, to Spain, to pursue a graduate degree and complete an internship in good, old Madrid.
As my last day working inches ever closer, I become increasingly agitated, at the point where I have had enough of this ridiculousness, and I wish to convey a message that other sales associates may wish you to know, dear valued customer.
- We can tell which customers are here to buy something and which are here just to try things on, and we don’t mind, but…
- After you have tried on the clothes, please have the decency to hang them back on the hangers the right side out, or please have the common sense to place them where the other clothes that needed to be put back belong, or – better yet – have the kindness to hang them where you got them from. None of us expects you to grant the last request, but when you do, we cry the tears of gratefulness on the inside and pray that there is a special place in heaven for a gentle soul like yours…because the clothes do add up, especially in stores that do not limit the number items you can try on like mine. On the other hands, for those who leave the clothes crumbled on the floors…well, I hope one day you won’t have a daughter/son cleaning up after some asshole after a long day on her/his feet, after a long day from attending college classes.
- Like I said, we are not cashiers. Sales associates are responsible for cleaning the dressing rooms, doing the markdowns, etc., etc., etc., etc., please don’t be melodramatic when you don’t see us at the cash registers.
- In the case of when no one came to assist you at the cash register, please don’t complain to the next sales associate you could find. Trust me, we know better than you could ever do that we are understaffed.
- Oh, we are always understaffed. Always. Nothing we can do about it.
- Another thing we can do nothing about: the prices, advertisements, coupons…If you are not pleased, please take a minute out of your day to complete a survey, found in front of a register, on your receipt, or online. Use common sense.
- Ah, coupons. Read, motherf*ckrs, read.
- Just to clarify, the coupons have A LOT of exclusions, especially when it comes to protected brand names and special discounts known as clearance, doorbusters, or anything that has a fancy sign with a fancy name that does not literally say ¨sale¨. Again, READ THE DAMN COUPON. Every word. Every letter. Every number. One of the reasons we all had to go to school is so we won’t be screwed by some clever, elusive, if not the most just, marketing and advertisements.
- This one you may not know, but, yes, we can ¨override¨ the prices if necessary…but this highly depends on your attitude as well.
- When you demand to see a manager, it makes you look stupid as well. Why waste precious time you could be spending doing something else fun, like spending time with your family, go outdoors, or reading? Your choice.
- When returning something, please have the receipt ready, even though you have possess a store credit card. Why do you think we give you a receipt at the time of purchase, hmm? Just to give for you to lose so when you return the item without it, you will lose money? No.
- Please ask about the return policy before, you know, returning it. Sometimes the instructions are printed on the back of your receipt. Surprise!
- Unless you are blind, please look for the fucking bathroom for yourself, you lazy f*cktard. Do you know what it’s like to be asked the same question 30 times a day?
- Please don’t bother us while we are on break, or about to go home. It’s not fun standing on your feet for 8 hours a day.
- We are not your friends. Our job forces us to smile and ask you questions, yes, but not listening to your pathetic problems or answering personal, intruding questions.
- There is always something for us to do on the floor. Please be patient when you call.
- Calling to ask us find something on the clearance wracks is like telling a blind person to find a needle in the ocean. I highly recommend shopping online instead.
- There is nothing you need that badly. Sometimes we really are out of things. Life’s short; move on.
- No, we do not have a big warehouse where all of the things are hidden and can be magically called upon.
- Following the argument that life is short, it’s not worth having an argument with someone on the clock who isn’t able to express themselves freely. You may be a customer, but that doesn’t mean you should throw a fist when you want, how you want.
- Don’t assume. You don’t know the sales associates. You may or may not be more educated, well-spoken, rich, or classy than them. You don’t know. You never will. But when you think they are beneath you, that is when you are less of a human being.
You, too, can help end human cruelty.