After spending a summer better than I could ever dreamed of, I am falling back into the old routines.
Hmm, maybe that’s not accurate.
Last year I did not know what I was missing. But now I do. Oh yes, I do.
I was asked if I was in a good place – if I feel answer. The answer I had in mind was immediate, but I didn’t say it out loud due to the cultural protocol.
I’m either stuck at school, work, or in my little room. I’m always incarcerated by some kind of walls, away from the sunshine and the fresh air. Sometimes I would like to go for a stroll like I usually did in Spain, but I’m too scared to do so. I don’t live in the best neighborhood, and my neighbors are creepy as f—-. Many people like to sit just outside of their doors all day and stare into the empty space. The place reeks of everything but hope.
My head is thousands of miles away. I can only think of a few things – all of which involve some kind of doubt, fear, and regret. I can barely “study”. I just want to go to sleep so the time would fly faster.
But somehow my miserable self just got an internship – my third job. It has to do with studying abroad, and it should keep me occupied. I can’t wait to go to my retail job tomorrow and say that I can’t work on weekdays anymore. It’s too much pressure and takes so much of my energy. That’s what happens when they don’t hire enough associates to oversee all of the registers on the floor. It makes customers frustrated and they just want to f— with the poor associates who have no rights to defend themselves. Some of this day I’m afraid I might lose it. I’m pretty close. Seriously, no human being should be treated as such.
As for school, gosh.
This goddamn job leaves me no energy to do my homework, let alone waking up to go to 8am classes. I actually forgot to turn in one of the three assignments… But the professor is so kind to give me an average of a B that could have easily been an F for missing that assignment. I am so grateful I wish I could kneel down and worship him.
To top the real physical problem of fatigue off, I still need to deal with all these garbage inside my head.
First off, the Brazilian.
I still need to finish writing the second post about my encounter with this stranger on the plane ride home, but I can’t just wrap my mind around it. I don’t know if I could describe how ridiculously unbelievably umm “good” the flight has been. Looking back, I’m just grateful that I didn’t get into trouble for what I did.
But I miss him so much and can’t stop wondering if I even crossed his mind at least once. Argh, the asshole.
I had never gotten so…close…to any guy or let anyone get that intimate with me. So it’s only natural that I’m thinking of him so much, right?
It’s not like I joined the Miles’ High Club…but I’ll just say I knocked on the door, so naturally, I still have an unfinished business with him.
I want to see him again.
It’s not love, for sure. Just an unfinished business. If only he had asked before we parted, I wouldn’t hesitate. I guess he didn’t want to waste his time babysitting.
But if Barcelona is as big as this town. I’ll run into him again.
I just actually ran into a lady that I met four years ago before moving here. She said she was going to leave to go back to her home country after her daughter graduated, but turned out she didn’t.
So there’s always a chance, right?
I’ll keep an eye out the next time I’m in Barcelona…
I’m just a tad bit worried that I won’t find someone that attractive again. I fucking hate downgrading.
That’s exactly why I’m so damn miserable here right now. Next summer needs to be here already.