Nocheviaja: Alone

So, 2013 is so yesterday.

While the world was celebrating, I was sound asleep, until the sounds of fireworks woke me up. And here I am, at 3:41 am, typing away.

Needless to say, I didn’t have the best New Year’s Eve. If anything, it was the worst.

The night before I was just sitting on the floor, absolutely and utterly by myself, drowned in my very own tears and mucus – and perhaps slightly drooling. It was an attractive sight.

I’d say that I won’t go into details, but that would be impossible if I want to say what happened. I don’t want to include anyone here. Not worth mentioning… It’s just that some people who were always there aren’t there anymore. It’s unfair that I’ve always been there for them, especially when no one else were there. I used to think highly of people and had so much faith in them, but I learned my lesson since high school. I already realized then that people could not be trusted 100%, so I’m not sure why this issue has risen again recently. I guess it’s just the very last person that I had been able to rely on just let me down. I had expected the said person to always be there and lead by example. And in return, I would do anything, everything in return. It did not matter what I had to sacrifice. But when you stop being my example-the person that you want me to be-you lose all of my respect. ALL of it. It’s not that I’m angry – it’s worse. I have just turned cold. Once you lose my trust, you just can’t gain it back. I can’t bring myself to even talk to this person. I’m just too disgusted by what the said person did so I don’t want anything to do with that one, at least at the moment. But I know that things will never be the same.

Now I have no one, just no one. Not really anyone to hang out with, let alone really, really talk to. Just acquaintances, even family has become just that, too.

It would be too cruel to say that everyone around me has let me down. They haven’t… I would like to talk to these people, but I’ve always pushed them away. I don’t want them to burden my burdens. I just want to protect them from all the sorrows that I inevitably face…Maybe that’s a bad idea, because when I need them the most, they are too far away. It’s not their fault. It’s me who has pushed them away. Now it’s too late.

So 2013 didn’t end well. I was supposed to be completely happy and excited, especially after successfully booking my hotels and planning everything out.

But you know what? I am happy and excited.

I’m happy and excited that they have let me down, and by doing so, slapping me in the face and wake me up to realize that in this life, you really are alone. Someone may be nice enough to be there for you, but they are not obligated to do so, and therefore I should never expect that from them. They have their own lives to live, and I have mine. It took me 19 years, when finally there is no one around, to truly realize that the only reliable person is me. And so, it makes sense to always respect and treat oneself well. More importantly, it is necessary to dream – and strive to live the dreams at all cost… because in the end, the only person who is obligated to make one happy is indeed oneself.

Thank you 2013, you have been cruel and rough, but you were the very best teacher. And thank you for this blog for allowing me to complain and make some reflections. I can finally get things off of my chest without bothering the people around me – which has always been a habit of mine not to burden others with my problems. Really, thank you.

I’m out to make the most of 2014. And for the very first time, let hedonism begin.

 

~Brisa

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